This is about Ieyasu and Mitsunari and how their realetionship changes when something unexpected happen.
It is also meant to help me with my english, so pleas tell me if you find some mistakes.
Doll
Autor: abgemeldet
Erstellt: 13.04.2011
Letzte Änderung: 03.08.2011
Letzte Änderung: 03.08.2011
abgeschlossen
Englisch
4776 Wörter, 2 Kapitel
4776 Wörter, 2 Kapitel
Thema: Sengoku Basara
Genre: Boys Love
Hauptcharaktere: Tokugawa Ieyasu
Kapitel | Datum | Andere Formate | Daten |
---|---|---|---|
~komplette Fanfic~ | V: 13.04.2011 U: 03.08.2011 |
Kommentare (2 ) 4776 Wörter |
|
Kapitel 1 never trust old Ladys | E: 13.04.2011 U: 14.04.2011 |
Kommentare (2) 2029 Wörter abgeschlossen |
|
Kapitel 2 Sequel | E: 03.08.2011 U: 03.08.2011 |
Kommentare (0) 2741 Wörter abgeschlossen |
Firstly, I kind of liked your story and I think that you managed to convey Ieyasu's twisted feelings towards Mitsunari quite well. However, there were a lot of spelling and -as I believe- typing mistakes, such as "know" instead of "now" or "witch" instead of "which". As I learned english as a foreign language, too, it was still understandable for me since that are pretty common mistakes people tend to make, but it might be different with native speakers. If you read through your text carefully after you finished writing it, it will be easier to recognize and avoid them. (If it's a story, you might as well wait for a day to do so. Getting your mind off the topic makes it easier to check for mistakes.)
Sadly, you also messed up the tenses a lot. This is something you should really really work on. You started off writing in simple past but then used present tense in some places. Try to consequently stick to simple past in your writing process. There's no direct speech in your story, so present tense shouldn't be used at all. If you're not sure about the form of an irregular verb, check it with a dictionary or an online dictionary such as leo.org. (Because internet's always faster, isn't it ;)
It's also quite uncommon to use very long sentences in english, f.e. with many sub-clauses and, in contrast to german, considered as bad style. Just try to put a full stop wherever you can, I also have some problems with keeping it short :D
Sometimes there were repeatings of words, but well, that's okay with me since your overall use of different vocabulary made it enjoyable to read.
Concerning the story, I liked the idea of Mitsunari getting transformed into a doll and I wonder who that old woman is? It would also be interesting to know how the story goes on and what the others think about Ieyasu's and Mitsunari's friendship. In short: I would like to read more! :D
Sadly, you also messed up the tenses a lot. This is something you should really really work on. You started off writing in simple past but then used present tense in some places. Try to consequently stick to simple past in your writing process. There's no direct speech in your story, so present tense shouldn't be used at all. If you're not sure about the form of an irregular verb, check it with a dictionary or an online dictionary such as leo.org. (Because internet's always faster, isn't it ;)
It's also quite uncommon to use very long sentences in english, f.e. with many sub-clauses and, in contrast to german, considered as bad style. Just try to put a full stop wherever you can, I also have some problems with keeping it short :D
Sometimes there were repeatings of words, but well, that's okay with me since your overall use of different vocabulary made it enjoyable to read.
Concerning the story, I liked the idea of Mitsunari getting transformed into a doll and I wonder who that old woman is? It would also be interesting to know how the story goes on and what the others think about Ieyasu's and Mitsunari's friendship. In short: I would like to read more! :D
Kommentar zu: Kapitel 1: never trust old Ladys
So sweet!
Really ;O;
Now I want a Mitsunari-doll too! >D
Really ;O;
Now I want a Mitsunari-doll too! >D
Kommentar zu: Kapitel 1: never trust old Ladys