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Rebirthing

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Prologue

"He bit me."
 

His voice quavered heavily, the young boy dragged his feet along that felt too heavy to him that he could hardly recognize these weights as his feet.
 

"That freak really bit me!"
 

A panicking outburst of his voice, going along with an irregular panting. The blonde held his neck that ached him, a pain clinging to him as firmly, it caused him an anxiety of suffocating. A warm, red liquid trickled down his white shirt, his tanned skin. He opened, rather slammed the bathroom door against the wall and wavered in front of the mirror. The loud music from the main room was dulled and barely resounded in this private place for men. He looked at his reflection which he didn't even recognize at first sight. A miserable pale face, blood soaking his shirt and neck.
 

"What the---"
 

He couldn't accept that it was his reflection until he saw the familiar blue eyes that he saw every time he saw into a mirror. The blue eyes that belonged to him. That was when his legs gave in. He slumped to the cold, dirty floor, his look distraught. Why would someone bite a person? Rather, why would a guy bite a person with such a force that the bleeding won't stop?
 

"Sir? Are you alright?"
 

The blonde looked up confused as he heard a dark, husky voice from the doorway.
 

"You're bleeding... Wait here, I'll call the ambulance."
 

The man ran off. The boy stood up hardly now. The security label on the man's shirt made him feel nervous. He couldn't let himself being caught here. He looked at a small window and hurried towards it.

When the man came back, all that was left of the young boy were stains of blood on the cold, dirty ground.



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Kommentare zu diesem Kapitel (1)

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Bitte keine Beleidigungen oder Flames! Falls Ihr Kritik habt, formuliert sie bitte konstruktiv.
Von:  fukuyama
2011-02-03T21:46:43+00:00 03.02.2011 22:46
I get the feeling, you're not quite understanding the meaning of "hardly". It is in no way connected to the adjective "hard", but means "pretty" in the way of "a little bit more than almost, supportive of the existence of something, but reducing the verb. Like: "he was hardly hungry" means "He wasn't hungry at all" and "he could harly stand" means "he was in danger or falling to the ground at every second". Okay? You use it disturbingly often. And in all different kind of meanings. oô
Well, at least I'm thrilled that there are some more writers, who dedicate their work to the English language. And do so on animexx, the last place you would search for such a thing. Do you post at fanfiction.net, too?

My guess for the story: Naruto x Sasuke, who is a vampire and lusts after Naruto's sweet tasting blood. Congrats on plotting.

So, on to the first two lines. I like your comparison - sounds good -, but there's no sense for grammar. You just can't connect these two sentences by just a comma, you need a dot.
The next paragraph: "panicking outburst" -> you personalise the outburst, which is strange, but I like the picture you get out of it. It creates the mental image of an equalizer in my head and I love that, it's innovative.
But "a thing sitting there"? What the hell! It makes you think of aliens, flee and goofy parrots, but not at all of a vampire bite (I guess, that's implied?). Please correct this, it's really... strange. -.-
I'd echange the words "accept" and "glass" in the next paragraph, if I was in your stead, I don't think they really fit. Other than that good work with alluring the reader through pictures so far...

The train of thought about the whole biting-thing is a little suddenly and out of place. You need more connections before. Like: Let him try to wash to blood from his neck and notice biting marks (normal teeth?) so he can mutter about biting. Or start with his incredulity towards the person who bit him (I assume Sasuke). Like 'What a freak!' and so on... Sounds more like Naruto and pulls the reader in to his next thoughts.

Oh yeah, "dark, husky voice" immediatelly rings some warning bells. Association: Sasuke, Uchiha, Vampire, clubs... I don't see fit to use it on a bystander character, who's not important to the story. Except you want to show that the whole club is run and visited by vamps only. But they certainly wouldn't catch a first aid kit, now would they?

Some grammar issues towards the end.
All in all. Not quite subtle and smooth, but interesting place to start your story and definitely catching the reader's attention.
greetz,
Yama


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